It’s not about knowing more its about trusting the unkown.
After another series of painful relapses, I went to see my sponsor to work out where I was going wrong with my recovery.
Before we started any work, my sponsor questioned me on my actions that led up to my last relapse.
‘Did you attend last week’s meeting? Did you make your amend?’ he inquired.
I nodded enthusiastically to both.
‘Did you have a resentment? Or were you hungry, angry, lonely or tired (H.A.L.T.)?’
Head lowered, I nodded to all of them.
‘Well, there you go,’ he smiled.
Afterwards, convinced I knew where I had gone wrong, I left his house and went to work.
The following week, I made peace with my resentment, attended meetings, did service, ate well, slept soundly, spent time with family and stayed at a friend’s house in the country.
When I came back home on Sunday evening, I promptly relapsed later that night.
The Mind’s Vanity
“The mind’s very nature is to convince us that its unique view of experience is the genuine article.” ~ Dr David R Hawkins, Power vs Force.
Addicts come in all shapes and sizes.
Each travels a unique path across addiction’s broad darkening spectrum.
To lump all addicts in the same group and prescribe the exact same reasons for why they are relapsing is dangerous, reckless and ignorant of the plight of the hopeless addict.
Addicts relapsing because of resentments, H.A.L.T., not enough meetings, prayers or something else they didn’t do enough of in the physical world aren’t genuinely powerless.
There’s something they can do about relapsing.
They can do all the above and stay sober. And good luck to them, but they aren’t in the same category as the hopeless addict.
For chronic relapsers, using willpower, relapse prevention strategies and avoiding triggers is an illusion of power that can, at best, only delay the inevitable.
You Can’t Think Your Way Out of Addiction
“Your true nature is that of infinite spirit. The feeling of limitation is the work of the mind.” ~ Ramana Maharshi.
More information about why chronic relapsers relapse, won’t solve the situation either.
Simply because, at certain times, chronic relapsers don’t have access to common sense, rational thinking or even their memory.
Something is happening to them mentally.
We don’t know what that something is, but we can be objective from the factual data that presents itself repeatedly. And that is for these addicts the consequences of relapse just aren’t there when it matters.
Instead, they are left with this unwavering delusional belief that it will be alright to relapse despite the obvious genuine dangers.
Their minds are compromised. Therefore, chronic relapsing can’t be solved at the level of the mind.
Instead, we have to go to a higher level.
But how?
The answer isn’t out there somewhere.
The answer is deep down within.
Me but Not Me
“In the midst of winter, I found there was, within me, an invincible summer. And that makes me happy. For it says that no matter how hard the world pushes against me, within me, there’s something stronger — something better, pushing right back.” ~ Albert Camus.
I had let go of my ideas of recovery and what it should look like — my ego, my self-seeking wants and desires to control the situation and outcome and run the show called ‘My Life’, had no power over relapse.
Powerless meant powerless.
But the idea came to me that what if something deep down inside all of us, our true essence, was unaffected by addiction and our life problems?
And what if my true essence did have enough power to get me well if I could keep my ego out of the way and allow it to guide and sustain me?
To give this idea a chance, I knew I had to trust it was possible.
And to do that, I knew I needed faith. Real faith.
The answer I’d been looking for was to go to a higher level of consciousness around the relapse question, which meant surpassing reason and reaching for faith.
But how do you have faith? A living, practical, working faith?
The kind of faith you could place your life on as mine was rapidly heading towards an early grave.
It all starts with a concept.
The Invisible One
“Now faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen” Hebrews 11: 1.
To get the rudiments of any kind of working faith, we need a concept.
A concept that represents a power greater than you that you can live by that will enable you to make that leap into faith.
However, you must be open and willing to drop any prejudice to allow other ideas to come in.
Ask yourself:
- What is the larger reality of life to you?
- Is there a God, a higher power, or is it only the human spirit, the collective unconscious, as described by psychologist Carl Jung?
- Or is it the higher self shown to us by the Eastern religions or the true self of current psychology?
Investigate anything in your heart of hearts you feel drawn to.
Keep it simple and personal. Discard anything conflicting. Lean into and read up on anything that resonates.
But we don’t want blind faith. We need an experience of our faith.
Whatever we say, we believe we have to practice; we have to be it. We have to show up in our lives regardless of anything and do it; otherwise, we are just self-deluded agnostics.
Look at any past mystical experiences, like answered prayers, synchronous events, and fortuitous moments, and acknowledge when you see evidence of what you believe in back then and now in the present. It will be enough to get the ball rolling.
“What seemed at first a flimsy reed, has proved to be the loving and powerful hand of God. A new life has been given us or, if you prefer, “a design for living’’ that really works.” ~ The Big Book, page 28.
The power is in your conscious choice; you get to choose, but you must decide because the help you need will come from a relationship with that concept.
Seeking and trusting that concept will bring you the consciousness and courage to move forward away from addiction for good.
It will allow you to make the leap of faith.
When the Rubber Hits The Road
“Faith is a living, daring confidence in God’s grace, so sure and certain that a man could stake his life on it a thousand times.” ~ Martin Luther King.
After my last relapse, I let go of all my old ideas. I let the chips fall wherever they may land. There was nothing I could do about the relapse. I knew it was hopeless. But I was genuinely willing to put my belief and faith in something with more power than me and make it a tangible reality.
Circumstances made me ready to believe.
Reason can only take you to the cliff edge; willingness makes you jump, faith provides the net.
Without evidence or feeling, I told myself this: all this pain has a purpose. The universe has a role for me. Everything that had happened to me was for the greater good and a divine reason, and I’m now going to act and behave as if these statements are factual.
The magic happens when your mind views your faith-based decision and believes it’s true; it makes rational sense to your mind as you see evidence of faith-based decisions working for others with similar issues.
This willingness to believe and have faith in my concept changed everything. I never went back to addiction.
Final Thought
“Great leaps in levels of consciousness are always preceded by surrender of the illusion that ‘I know.’” ~ Dr David R Hawkins.
The Recovery process is about deflating the ego at depth and raising your consciousness.
It’s coming out of the world of self and self-reliance and putting others first, knowing you will be alright because of your faith.
When these are combined with taking action and trusting the process, everything changes.
Unsolvable problems became solved; unsuspected help and support come to your aid. Insights and intuition become regular occurrences; opportunities and endless possibilities come to light.
Faith-based living is living with real courage and love in uncertainty and adversity. No matter what happens, you believe everything will be alright, giving you the direction and peace you’ve always longed for.
One day, you’ll look back over your shoulder and see that your life and everything in it has been transformed all because you kept and cherished your faith.
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Darren James 