It’s not about hiring and firing sponsees.
“We cannot change anything unless we accept it. Condemnation does not liberate, it oppresses.” ~ Carl Jung.
I had seven sponsors in total.
Some were hard and militant in their approach, others gentle and loving.
But my seventh sponsor was neither. He just said it like it was.
Early on, with no drama or fuss, he told me that I was utterly powerless over relapse. ‘There’s nothing you can do about that, so you better stop fighting it.’
Instead, he instructed me to spend my energy on a better use of my time: getting out of self and seeking a spiritual experience.
‘When we do it this way, the relapse problem seems to go away,’ he said before warning, ‘but it may not work for you!’
Unlike other sponsors who promised I would never relapse again as long as I did precisely as I was told, my seventh sponsor made no promises. He simply said,
‘It’s not about doing what you’re told. It’s about honestly accepting the truth.’
On God’s Terms
‘Fall seven times, stand up eight’ ~ Japanese Proverb
Chronic relapsers are what the book of Alcoholics Anonymous (Big Book) calls real addicts or addicts of the hopeless variety.
Real addicts suffer from a fatal progressive illness that centers in their minds, rendering them absolutely powerless over relapse.
People who don’t understand that these addicts suffer from a relapsing condition will naturally blame them for relapsing when, in reality, it has nothing to do with them.
Sponsors telling chronic relapsers they don’t want it enough or haven’t had enough pain or consequences are seriously misguided.
I used to regularly question myself whether I really wanted sobriety as my constant relapsing suggested otherwise, but my seventh sponsor set the record straight.
‘Of course, you want sobriety; that’s a given. Otherwise, why would you spend all your days in recovery, working the steps and listening to me?’
‘This issue isn’t about wanting it enough; it’s about letting go enough.’
You Had One Job!
‘If you desire healing, let yourself fall ill, let yourself fall ill.’ ~ Rumi.
The sponsor’s job, with the aid of the Big Book, is to show their sponsee their powerlessness and a way out of it.
Once the sponsee experiences their powerlessness at depth, then genuine willingness will begin.
However, they may have to relapse many more times to get to this point.
The sponsor has to meet the sponsee where they’re at. The sponsor’s job isn’t to make the sponsee sober and clean; the sponsor can’t even do that for themselves.
The sponsor’s job is simply to be a mirror for the sponsee, helping them see the truth for themselves.
Once the penny drops, the Big Book does the rest.
Relapse Is Recovery
Sponsors using ‘three strikes and you’re out’ with a chronic relapser have missed the point.
Moreover, a militant approach to recovery has little to no spiritual value.
You can’t earn sobriety. No matter how much activity you do recovery-wise. It’s a gift that’s given by grace.
A sponsor has to be patient and supportive because relapsing is part of the process for the chronic relapser.
The chronic relapser’s recovery is built on a foundation of powerlessness. To ensure that the foundation is rock solid, the sponsee must first excavate all the delusional beliefs, corrupt motives and ignored values.
Relapse brings the vital humility and clarity needed to make the foundations unshakeable.
Then, brick by brick, the sponsee can build a new structure based on faith using a new blueprint, the 12 steps.
Once this process is underway, the chronic relapser will find themselves placed in a position where something else begins to happen.
However, if this early stage is forced and insincere, the foundation will be weak, cracks in the render will appear, and sooner or later, the chronic relapser’s recovery will come crashing down in relapse.
This isn’t about taking your time. It’s about genuinely being open to new ideas and taking action.
The chronic relapser has to follow the blueprint and trust the process.
No Help to No One
“A spirit of intolerance might repel alcoholics whose lives could have been saved had it not been for such stupidity.” ~ The Big Book, page 103.
The Big Book presents a gentle, loving approach with support and understanding of the prospective sponsee’s choices and decisions.
Sponsors who come in terrorizing addicts with the tragic plight of the hopeless addict are not kind or compassionate.
Yes, we must disturb the newcomer to take action, but we don’t lose our humanity in the process.
‘A Sponsor is a lantern, not the light’ ~ Herb K
Sponsors militantly bellowing out directions must be careful of their own spiritual condition.
Yes, they’ve stopped relapsing, but how’s the rest of their lives doing? Their personal relationships? Are they actually enjoying their sobriety?
Dishing out tough love is fine, but a sponsor using sponsorship to inflate their ego doesn’t help anyone and can be fatal to their own recovery.
Stick With The Losers
“The truth of one’s real Self can be discovered in the pathway of everyday life. To live with care and kindness is all that is necessary; the rest reveals itself in due time. The commonplace and God are not distinct.” ~ Dr David Hawkins
Sponsors aren’t in recovery to sit back with the winners polishing their twenty-year sobriety key rings, smiling smugly. Or dismissing struggling, hopeless addicts as ‘Still not wanting it enough!’
Sponsors are in recovery without judgement, to give love and support, whether they like addicts or not, regardless of whether they’ve relapsed.
A sponsee can leave a sponsor at any time. But unless there’s someone else better placed to help them, as long as the sponsee is still willing, why would a sponsor ever leave them?
After all, this is the program in action: one addict helping another.
Jesus hung out with prostitutes and sinners to show them the light.
We’re not angels or saints; we often get it wrong, but we do our best to live by spiritual principles and not get caught up in personalities.
Final Thought
Sponsorship isn’t for everyone.
Some people are far more suited to service behind the scenes, ensuring meetings happen and the recovery message is spread.
And helping others isn’t just confined to people in recovery. It’s about being helpful to your family, community and society.
But if your life has been re-created and you’ve escaped the death spiral of chronic relapse by grace and the help of others. You can’t choose to ignore this as if nothing has happened.
You’re here for a reason.
Part of that reason is to contribute and make a difference, no matter how small, to the chronic relapser who still suffers.
And sometimes, that means just simply being there for them is enough.
No preaching. No lecturing.
Just there for them regardless of whether they get well or not.
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Darren James 