It Isn’t You That’s Deciding To Relapse.
Question: which one of these addicts is truly powerless?
A) Somebody that goes to any lengths to stay sober and clean yet still finds themselves relapsing?
B) Somebody that goes to any lengths to use and act out in their addiction despite all the awful, painful consequences?
A or B?
Well, the answer is both.
Regularly going to the extreme on anything is a sign of obsession.
But when those extremes are clearly not working and/or you no longer know why you’re relapsing, that’s a definite sign of powerlessness.
However, to most addicts, the glaringly obvious isn’t so obvious; the denial and delusion are off the charts!
But worse, the power they think they have is usually nothing more than an illusion.
Following The Wrong Duck
The first step in the twelve steps of AA says it all:
“Admitted we were powerless over alcohol — that our lives had become unmanageable.”
Notice it says, ‘admitted we were powerless’ and not admitted we were addicts.
This is crucial because the problem is powerlessness, not addiction.
We are addicts who are powerless.
Not all addicts have this powerlessness, hence why the book of Alcoholics Anonymous (The Big Book) defines them as the real alcoholic (addict) or an alcoholic (addict) of the hopeless variety.
In fact, many addicts in recovery can stay sober by praying for sobriety, attending meetings and therapy sessions, writing gratitude lists, calling other addicts, using relapse prevention techniques, and doing service.
However, the real addict can’t stay clean no matter how much of the above they do. They have no choice but to relapse, and that’s what makes them powerless.
For years, I blindly followed recovered addicts that weren’t actually powerless. I believed their reasons for why I was relapsing and their guarantees that if I followed their directions, I would never relapse again.
But when I later relapsed repeatedly out of the blue, many of those same recovered addicts were left scratching their heads.
Admitting you’re an addict is one thing, but fully accepting you are entirely powerless over whether you relapse or not is quite another.
When The Penny Drops
The easiest way to see your powerlessness is to be objective.
All scientific enquiry is based on objectivity. And that means taking your emotions out of the picture.
If you’re a chronic relapser, ask yourself:
- Why is it that no matter how long I’ve been sober (hours, days, weeks, months, years or decades), I always find a way to go back and relapse?
- Even with the threat of certain catastrophic outcomes or life-threatening risks, why am I willing to sacrifice it all and relapse?
- After all the changes I’ve made to start enjoying life again, why do I suddenly throw it all away and relapse?
The issue isn’t that we can’t stop once we start because if this was the crux of the problem, the solution would be easy: just don’t start again.
The real problem for us, and those in Camp A, is we’re doing something that we already said we don’t want to be doing anymore.
So why are we doing it?
Even after years of work on ourselves to uncover the root trauma behind it all, we still go back and relapse no matter how much therapy we do.
And therein lies the problem: at certain times, there’s this utter inability to not relapse.
From the factual evidence alone, it appears our ability to use commonsense, perspective and weigh up the consequences is strangely absent just before a relapse.
Our minds are compromised, making our willpower ineffective when it counts.
This is why real addicts suffer from a relapse condition.
We are not powerless over some substance or process; we are powerless over relapsing itself.
The Vultures Are Circling
Getting over a painful experience is much like crossing monkey bars. You have to let go at some point in order to move forward. ~ C.S. Lewis
Now, let’s say you’re in Camp B, you’re not in recovery, and you want to relapse regardless of the consequences and are willing to go to any length to do it.
Well, whether you genuinely want to relapse or not is beside the point. The reality is you’ve simply lost the reason to relapse, precisely like Camp A.
Addicts brought back from the brink of death after an overdose but go straight back to using once discharged from hospitals and ambulances don’t need a reason to relapse.
They’re like the Walking Dead. They have no say in the matter of relapse and are a danger to themselves.
Countless hopeless addicts die every day through chronic relapsing where the pain, degradation and humiliation endured didn’t stop them.
They went to their graves, teeth clenched in a death spiral of unceasing longing for their addiction despite no longer knowing why they do it.
They wouldn’t let go of relapsing.. but more to the point, they couldn’t.
They were powerless.
And everyone around them, baffled and confused, was powerless to stop them.
The Window Of Opportunity
“Give up yourself, and you will find your real self. Lose your life and you will save it.” ~ C. S. Lewis
As Einstein did or did not say, insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results.
However, addiction is far worse.
Addiction is doing the same thing over and over and knowing you’ll get the same horrible result.
I knew I had to do something different to escape this fatal condition.
I knew that applying more willpower and knowledge or trying to experience enough pain and fear to stop relapsing wasn’t something different. That was just a desperate attempt at trying to control a lost situation.
Accepting reality and releasing all the negative programming around letting go of control was where real progress began.
Humility brings clarity.
The relapse situation is out of your control.
Trusting, having faith and being present is the only thing in your control. It allows you to do the next best practical thing.
In fact, it’s your saving grace.
You can finally drop the false facade and bravado and be real.
When I finally got out of my own way, something else started to happen.
And that something else was a psyche change, a shift in consciousness, also known as a spiritual awakening.
Always remember any condition can be healed with sufficient faith and trust.
Final Thought
“When the ego weeps for what it has lost, the spirit rejoices for what it has found.” ~ Sufi proverb
If you’re a chronic relapser, and you don’t think you are powerless, then you won’t change your way of doing things.
And why would you?
If, deep down, you believe that you have some kind of power you can assert over the relapse situation, then why not try it?
Legions of real addicts have shown once you’ve crossed that threshold into the region of chronic relapsing, there’s usually no way back.
If you are in doubt, then go to any lengths necessary, leaving no stone unturned to stay sober, and see what happens.
If you are in a constant state of relapse and not in sustained (over one year) recovery, then you’ve crossed that threshold. The only thing you can do now is to let go of control and have faith.
Recovery is built on this foundation of powerlessness. Once powerlessness is experienced and accepted, the path is clear. A new personal experience with life will unveil itself.
You just need the faith and willingness to walk that path.
If this article speaks to you, please llike, share, follow and subscribe to me for more.
Darren James 