A different approach to recovery.
What if you were the ‘real addict’ as mentioned in the book of Alcoholics Annonymous (the Big Book) and were, in fact, ‘truly powerless’ that there was nothing you or anybody could do about your relapsing?
What would you do then?
Would you still spend your time praying for another sober day?
Writing daily gratitude lists and attending meetings and therapy sessions to stay clean?
What was shown to me and what my experience confirmed was that there was nothing I or anyone else could do about my chronic relapsing.
But there was everything I could do about everything else..!
There was everything I could do about looking at my own part in my reaction to life, such as my deep-held fears, insecurities and blatant dishonesty.
There was everything I could do to start getting my home life in order, be useful with my time and be there for others without any hidden agenda.
Regardless of whether I relapsed, I could still give it my best shot at being accountable and responsible and show up for life.
Putting the relapsing question aside, wasn’t this a much better use of my time in recovery than continuing the same lost battle of trying to stay sober and clean?
In the face of collapse and despair, in the face of the total failure of their human resources, they found that a new power, peace, happiness, and sense of direction flowed into them. This happened soon after they wholeheartedly met a few simple requirements.
~ The Big Book, page 50.
It’s Not About Knowing Better
After years of working with therapists and psychiatrists and going to any lengths necessary in twelve-step programs, to no avail, I was beyond desperate.
Yes, I had brief periods of sobriety here and there, but nothing lasted.
I was still relapsing. And relapsing chronically.
Despite this, I still believed I knew why I was relapsing, but, more importantly, I was convinced I knew how I could stop relapsing.
It wasn’t until I started working with my new (seventh) sponsor that I finally understood why I’d never stop relapsing.
When I first shared my experience of relapse with him, he nodded and sighed, ‘Yeah, you’re f*cked.’
This wasn’t what I wanted to hear. I came to recovery to get my life back and to eliminate this toxic compulsive behaviour. I didn’t come into recovery to hear I was f*cked!
However, after being shown and experiencing the condition’s mental blank spot and twisting features, I knew the situation was a lost cause.
But sadly, I went into denial.
I wanted to hear that there was a way to be rid of this mental blanking and twisting for good.
I felt cursed and defiant and was determined to show everyone I was the exception.
‘Stop fighting it!’ My new sponsor would call out when he’d see me at recovery meetings with a long face, adding, ‘There’s nothing you can do! Walking around with a face like a slapped arse doesn’t change anything.’
I would glare back at him, saying I’m not fighting anything, but my new sponsor persisted, explaining,
‘It’s the fight that causes all the struggle, constantly trying to beat the game or doing everything you can to stay sober and clean. That’s what exhausts us.’
We learned that we had to fully concede to our innermost selves that we were alcoholics. This is the first step in recovery. The delusion that we are like other people, or presently may be, has to be smashed.
~ The Big Book, page 34.
Back then, I didn’t realise my new sponsor was only doing the most loving thing he could do: tell me the truth.
The life that I had known was gone. Its terms had changed.
It took me a while to accept this, but I found a far better and more fulfilling new life waiting when I did.
It’s Not About Feeling Better Either
During my descent into active addiction, an Uncle had been diagnosed with terminal cancer and told he had a maximum of six months to live.
Now, any person with a terminal illness who has been told in no uncertain terms that they only have six months to live has really only two options:
- Block out the reality of their situation and carry on to the bitter end despite the concerns of others.
- Or, face their situation and get their affairs in order, make amends with those they need to and spend the rest of the precious time they have left with loved ones, doing what they most deeply desire before they leave this earth.
Under these conditions, the person who chooses the second option often far outlives his diagnosis, living way longer than expected. But when they do eventually pass, they do so at peace.
My uncle chose the second option, lived for a further two years, and died at peace surrounded by his loved ones.
This is the same stark choice that an addict faces.
The person with the terminal illness isn’t getting their affairs in order to beat the condition. They’re doing it for others so that they can be at peace.
Similarly, the real addict must be honest with themselves and clean house. Not to be sober but to take responsibility for their actions, make amends and be there for others.
It Really Isn’t About You Anymore
Towards the end of my relapsing one night, worried I might relapse again, I called up my new sponsor.
After detailing all my main concerns and reasons why I may not make it through the night sober, he dismissed them and said,
‘Get over yourself!’
‘Excuse me?’ I said, stunned.
‘We know you’re powerless. We’ve established that! There’s nothing you can do about that.’
‘Yeah, but I still don’t want to relapse..!’
‘No one does. But it’s not up to you. So leave it alone.’
Mouth agape in disbelief, I tried to speak, but before I could say anything, my new sponsor challenged me further.
‘What do you think is the worst thing that could happen if you do relapse tonight?’
‘I may lose my job or damage my health?’ I mumbled.
‘No, the worst thing that could happen is that you won’t be there for some other addict.’
At that moment, I saw that I was stuck in the problem, stuck in myself and couldn’t see any way out or, for that matter, anything else.
All that preoccupation and worry over relapsing made everything worse, usually making relapse inevitable.
But as soon as I shifted my focus to someone else, my attention was off the trouble out of self, and with a bit of willingness, action and trust, something else started to happen.
My recovery finally began.
I no longer cared about relapse; I just genuinely wanted to be useful, contribute to life and be of service.
And I certainly wasn’t doing it to try and stay sober!
The Truth, the Whole Truth, and Nothing but the Truth, so Help Me God.
The Big Book is about having a spiritual awakening, not about being sober and clean. And the most spiritual thing you can do is help another addict or person in real need.
Whether you’re ready or not, whether you’ve relapsed or not.
Life is a spiritual experience. Just being alive is a sacred experience, so embrace it and pray for knowledge of what you should be doing and being, then go out and do it and be it.
Focus on something or someone else.
Be other-centred rather than self-centred. Be life-centred.
As Seneca said,
‘Begin at once to live.’
But not for yourself, for others.
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Darren James 