One change that saved my life.
I read hundreds of books on addiction and recovery on my journey to stop relapsing.
And participated in countless courses, workshops and group therapy sessions to stay sober and clean.
But, it was only through the book of Alcoholics Anonymous, also known as the ‘Big Book’, that I got well.
However, this didn’t happen straight away.
Far from it!
The book’s message was finally revealed to me after I went through it (for the umpteenth time) with my seventh sponsor years later.
Until then, nothing else worked, including the Big Book!
Just the Facts, Ma’am
So, what exactly is the Big Book?
The Big Book is a book on recovery from alcoholism.
First published in 1939, it presents a fact-finding report of alcoholics’ experience with this fatal condition and exactly what they did to recover.
It tells us what happened to them, not why it happened.
The alcoholics in the Big Book aren’t giving us possible multilayered reasons or a subtext for why they’re relapsing as many sponsors, therapists, and psychiatrists do regarding addicts’ behaviour.
These alcoholics are telling it as it is. They’re not theorising. Right or wrong, this is their experience.
When I first read the Big Book, I related strongly to these alcoholics as constant chronic relapsing had turned my life into a demolition site.
And like those alcoholics, I was prepared to go to any lengths to stop this wrecking ball of an illness from smashing through what was left of my life.
So, I didn’t just read the Big Book; I studied that text in detail and depth.
In no time, my Big Book was covered in notes, markers and coloured highlighted sentences, paragraphs and pages from serious, deep analyses.
I attended weekly Big Book study meetings during this period and committed to daily chapter readings. I also listened to a slew of audio recordings on the Big Book to further my understanding of the work.
But sadly, none of this made any real, lasting change.
So, what changed when I reread the text four years later with my seventh sponsor?
My approach to reading the book.
This time I viewed the Big Book literally rather than metaphorically, which led me to have a personal experience with what was presented.
It was that simple.
I set aside everything I had previously learnt about the work and read it as written, taking it as fact.
This. Changed. Everything.
The Riddle Of Riddles
As I came to see from my journey into active addiction, why this condition happens and how it happens is a mystery.
No one knows.
Just like the solution, no one knows why or how it happens. We all have our ideas and theories, but no actual evidence exists. None.
Perhaps there never will be a full answer to
these questions. Opinions vary considerably
as to why the alcoholic reacts differently from
normal people. We are not sure why, once a
certain point is reached, little can be done for
him. We cannot answer the riddle.
~ The Big Book, page 22.
The good news is we don’t need to know the why or the how of it. We just need to know and accept that it is happening. That’s the reality.
Similarly, we don’t need to understand why or how the internet or mobile phones work to use them. All we need to know is that they work.
What we do know is the ‘what’ and the ‘where’ of the matter.
And both can be seen from our factual experience: are we in a state of relapse or sustained recovery?
The Big Book is about putting you in a position where what is happening to you can change. However, that position cannot be reached by you alone.
The Big Book is about making yourself available to another power that can do that for you.
Living in the Land Of The Solution
The Big Book’s solution is straightforward: trust in a power greater than you! (The good news is you get to choose that power.)
Sounds simple, but how do you actually do that? What does trusting in another power look like?
Well, that’s where the Big Book and its program of action, the twelve steps, comes in.
However, the most baffling part is the problem itself, which is most misunderstood by the real addict.
Thanks to my new approach and my seventh sponsor’s guidance, when I looked honestly at what was happening, the why revealed itself.
I finally saw why I couldn’t stop relapsing, and the Big Book’s message flowed into my life.
I was given the gift of seeing and experiencing the problem and then called and compelled by grace to live in and experience the solution.
Final Thought
Most of what I have outlined above, I was told about in my first few readings of the Big Book, but without a personal experience with this message, the information was useless.
Instead, I chased after what everyone else was doing and saying, desperate to emulate their experience.
Thus, my daily reading of the Big Book became an empty ritual of rote recitation, and as such, I missed the book’s life-transforming message.
When I was willing to let go of my old ideas about recovery and read the Big Book as written, a new experience emerged.
One that changed this condition from a curse into a blessing.
If you are a chronic relapser like me, I wish you the same awakening.
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Darren James 