It all starts with a definition.
Here’s a question for you: what’s your definition of sobriety?
Whether you’re clean and sober or still in the madness of addiction, ask yourself, what does sobriety mean to you?
And if you’ve been sober and in recovery for multiple years, answer this: are you actually enjoying your sobriety?’
If not, why not..?
The Gift and Trap of Desperation
Your vision will become clear only when you can look into your own heart. Who looks outside, dreams; who looks inside, awakes. ~ Carl Jung.
Clear, definable goals significantly increase the likelihood of you achieving them.
So before you run off searching day and night for sobriety, you better make sure you know what that actually means.
Addicts that come into recovery terrified, desperate, and willing to go to any lengths to stop relapsing usually have a bunch of loose thoughts and vague feelings about sobriety but no clear target to aim for.
I was one of those desperate addicts, on my knees in recovery and chronically relapsing throughout.
The only thing I knew for sure was I didn’t want to lose my life to addiction.
I just wanted to live.
Filled with the gift of desperation and genuinely inspired by other sober addicts, I blindly latched onto everyone and anything.
‘I want what they have!’ I declared.
But when asked what exactly it was that those sober addicts had, I gave the same generic answer that I’d heard from someone else in recovery, and that was:
‘They’re happy, free, and joyous!’
Well, guess what?
Everybody wants that.
I don’t think a single human being on the planet doesn’t want to be ‘happy, free and joyous!’.
That’s a given and not a definition of sobriety.
If you run after being happy, free, and joyous as your goal in sobriety, you will be in for a painful and miserable experience.
Being happy, free, and joyous are byproducts and not things in themselves.
But a life lived on purpose with integrity and contribution brings deep contentment and fulfilment that results in a real sense of happiness, freedom and joy.
Feelings that will endure for as long as you continue that life of purpose, integrity, and contribution.
That’s why recovery is always about what you are willing to do today, despite what you did yesterday, how you’re feeling currently or how long you’ve been sober.
Remember, Your Old Life Is Dead.
Although most addicts, once in recovery, do stop relapsing and get their lives back by using the tools of their recovery program, they’re still looking at recovery in the short term.
Unless they have a compelling vision for what they want in their long-term sobriety, just using tools and strategies and carrying on as usual isn’t sustainable.
If you’re a real addict, you can’t get your old life back, no matter how much you pine like some lone chained dog whining in the backyard.
Once you stop relapsing, you have to accept that life didn’t work; otherwise, you wouldn’t be here.
Addiction was the symptom, not the problem. Substances and processes were a symbol and not the root cause.
Your whole life strategy was the problem.
When I finally saw the truth of my chronic relapse condition, I let go of trying to run the show and recreated my life completely anew.
I saw my life strategy had to have its roots in a different soil. One that was based on spiritual principles, service, and a commitment to personal growth.
That may not sound exciting or sexy, but it is the reality.
The more you fight reality by clinging to parts of your old life, the more you will struggle and suffer in recovery.
However, a definition of sobriety that includes a new growth outlook will give you the counsel you need when you’re torn and conflicted.
It will be like an internal map you can turn to when lost and unsure.
It will provide you with the solace and support you long for when bored and lonely.
Tell Those Miltant Sponsors to Go Suck Eggs!
Sadly, people in recovery are forever placed on pedestals simply because they are no longer in active addiction.
This is a very shallow level of recovery.
Just being sober and clean never kept anyone sober and clean.
Okay, so you no longer wake up with hangovers, but what about those splitting emotional headaches of dealing with life on life’s terms?
Unfortunately, many people in mainstream recovery fellowships have simply switched addictions to something less life-threatening.
Countless so-called ‘recovered addicts’ are sober in one area but hopeless codependents, chronic smokers, overeaters, and love and sex addicts in another.
And like all things, given time, those areas will become a serious life-threatening issue if not dealt with.
Do you want to emulate that?
No, thank you.
In fact, we don’t want to emulate anyone in recovery.
We want our own recovery.
Idolizing sponsors and turning them into a higher power of sorts is like praying to Shrek instead of Buddha.
They are as powerless as you are. And just like you, they could relapse today.
Sponsors barking out orders and hiring and firing sponsees have missed the point.
A sponsor is just a mirror for the sponsee. The Big Book (The Book of Alcoholics Anonymous ) does all the heavy lifting.
Keep It Simple, but Make It Very Personal
One size certainly does not fit all in recovery.
But there really is a nut for every screw in recovery.
That’s why defining what sobriety means to you is essential.
However, avoid defining it in some hazy, utopian idea of sobriety.
Give it a real humane ideal you are striving towards.
Something that you deeply value and can at least begin to turn to and progress towards. And knowing that in pursuit of your definition, you will often fall short, but that’s okay.
We’re human.
The point is we are willing to give it our best shot. And that’s all that matters.
The definition that I started with was as follows:
Sobriety is a drug-free and purpose-driven state of being. Characterized by non-neediness and a feeling of peace under all conditions.
Although this was a tad lofty and idealistic, it got me up and running.
The sober and clean part of being ‘drug-free’ is only one element.
The rest of this definition speaks to the other parts of my recovery:
- The ‘non-neediness and a feeling of peace under all conditions’ represent emotional balance and me being comfortable in my skin and not needing anyone’s approval or validation.
- The ‘purpose-driven state of being’ gives my sobriety meaning, reminding me why I came to this planet and how I can contribute to the world.
However, inspired by one of my sponsee’s definitions, I later chose a more straightforward and practical definition:
Sobriety, for me, is Peace, Purpose and Service.
It’s being at peace and living purposefully so I can be of service.
These three words have become my guiding north star for all I do.
To Flow or Not to Flow, That Is The Question
When we find and follow our own definition of sobriety, we no longer turn up in recovery because we have to. We turn up because we want to.
The ‘have to’ attitude of going through the motions, feeling sorry for yourself, and constantly thinking you should be elsewhere wastes everyone’s time.
Your efforts aren’t sincere or genuine. They’re conditional, lacklustre, and self-seeking.
But if your decisions and choices are aligned with what sobriety is genuinely for you, resistance begins to fall away. In fact, you will feel compelled to do things you wouldn’t normally do.
When this happens, it feels as if something is happening to us and flowing through us.
We increasingly sense we will be led to exactly where we’re meant to be because we are now acting out of love, not fear.
Our lives will flourish.
The ultimate test of whether your life is flourishing is whether your experiences flow with reality.
Does your life flow?
Or are you in continual struggle with the world and at odds with everyone in it? Look over your shoulder and see how your life’s been going.
How far off is your life from your own definition of sobriety?
Final Thought
There is no hierarchy in recovery because there is no hierarchy in faith.
You either have faith or you don’t.
Whether you’re one day clean or fifty years clean.
If you have this condition, there is no cure, just a daily reprieve based on faith.
Your definition of sobriety will enrich that faith as it connects you to your truth and beyond.
It will remind you that no matter how lost you feel, deep down within, you are already home.
So, I ask you one last time, what’s your definition of sobriety?
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Darren James 